Friday, January 20, 2017

HEYYYY GUYZ I GOT A NEW JOB IDEA

In today's ever-expanding global economy of the 21st century techno-world and the advancement of modernization, it's important to be at the top of the dogpile because we're all swimming in the shark tank now and only the fittest will survive.

So, Millenials, listen up! The only way to make it in a dog-eat-dog world is to ~*~invent your own job~*~ so you can scrape together enough money without benefits to be able to get some sauce for your dinner of plain rice, never take a vacation, die because you can't afford health care and also never retire because what is retirement, is that something our grandparents did? Whoa, retro.

Along those lines, I have invented a new job for myself. I'm going to re-write the headlines of major newspapers' stories so that they more accurately reflect whatever is in the article. Because I understand the importance of having a niche as I market myself in the "sharing" or "gig" or "sext" or "dammit we're really fucking poor compared to the last generation but they think we're entitled" economy or whatever the kids are calling it, I will be specializing in re-writing the headlines relating to Taiwan.

I'm doing this for the ~*~exposure~*~ for now, so please enjoy some of my work for free:

EVIL TAIWAN ATTACKS INNOCENT CHINA BY ACTING LIKE A REAL COUNTRY WITH ITS OWN GOVERNMENT DOING EXACTLY WHAT IT HAS ALWAYS DONE IN THE PAST BUT THIS TIME POOR CHINA IS MAD

The "One-China Policy": A Fundamental Misunderstanding

Obama Aide Not Very Smart, Probably Paid More Than Me For Some Reason

Oh Wow All Beijing Needs To Do Is Offer Taiwan A Unification Proposal The Taiwanese Like And We Could Fix This? It's All So Simple And Clear Now! Much Unification! Many Proposal! Very Wow!  (this is an older one but I couldn't resist)

I Got Paid To Repost Some Bullshit From China Daily Like Its Actual Journalism

Ghosts of 19th Century Literature Past: We're Going To Pretend Xi "Quoted" Dickens (alternative title 1: "Davos Is A Land Of Contrast"; alternative title 2: "Webster's Dictionary Defines 'Best of Times' as...")



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