Why did China kick out Western journalists? Some whiskey-soaked theories

東方紅
肺炎升
中國出了個維尼熊

Yo I know I said a few years ago maybe that I was going to try to make this a classier publication, generally by keeping all my same ideas but expressing them less with less filthy language and less drinking overall.

But now THE PLAGUE TIMES are upon us, and I cannot be held to promises I made in the Before Times.

Let us not speak of the Before Times. 

So, anyway, the dudes in Zhongnanhai decided to just sort of randomly tell a bunch of Western journalists that they were being immediately expelled from China AND Hong Kong. I gather that the dudes didn't really consider if the Taiwan Provincial Authorities would allow them to set up bureaus there, as, oh wait, the Taiwan Provincial Authorities don't exist. Or they do exist, but the actual leaders don't, or they do, but they don't recognize that they are provincial authorities or...something.

Whatever.

Anyway, what I'm interested in is why. That's bad, because I have no idea.

So here are some random thoughts on what might be going on:


1.) That Zhongnanhai Limp Dick Energy

I mean, definitely those guys are too withered to have any real fun, so they sometimes have to pretend it's possible to feel excited again by concentrating their energy into being total dicks in the bad way, because they can't do anything in the good way. So they just wanted to flex (but not their dicks, as I said, those don't do much anymore) and chose...this. It could really be nothing more than that.


2.) The Xi Jinping Virus is still way worse in China and they don't want the world to know

Still got a crisis on your hands and don't want the world to know? People still dropping dead from a virus, the blame for which can be laid exactly at the feet of Xi Jinping and the CCP? Want to look like that's not happening, and you are recovering while the rest of the world is trapped in a pandemic of seemingly Biblical proportions? Well, if you control the media, that's great because you can just...do that. But you don't control the Western media (entirely) so you have to get those pesky real journalists out so that your fake PR agents who pose as journalists can publish the stories you want.

Bonus: you can then pretend to be the good guy by "donating" (selling) supplies and "sending experts" (who haven't helped your own country recover) and spin that as the world needing to be grateful to China for quite literally starting a pandemic.

Oh yeah, I think COVID19 is too purposefully euphemistic - not in terms of not offending "China", but in terms of not offending the CCP. But, I don't want to use terms that seem discriminatory towards Chinese people. But Xi Jinping? Fuck that guy. I think "CCP Virus" is also acceptable. Fuck them too.


3.) They're planning an invasion of Taiwan and don't want you to know

I mean, assuming the army isn't too sick, this would be the perfect time. Taiwan is focused on the Xi Jinping Virus. The world is too - the US is Taiwan's biggest ally (I mean real ally, not checkbook ally) and they are in no position at all to back up Taiwan when the second wave of troops comes.

But, be wary, ye traveler from the Before Times. Here be dragons. Have they recently decided that now would be the perfect time because they are recovering and the rest of the world is writhing in pandemic agony? Or are we really gonna tinfoil-hat this motherfucker and say they made that plan awhile ago, when it was clear the virus was going to get out of control?

I refuse to add crazy antenna to my tinfoil hat, and will not continue on this conspiracy theory train ride, although I admit it is scenic.


4.) Revenge

I mean...I guess. So, they expelled some Wall Street Journal reporters for no goddamn reason. Then the US started treating the Chinese PR agents (they are not really journalists) like...exactly what they are, and this is tit-for-tat for that? Seems pretty stupid, but okay.

I think this is the official reason - it's the lede in The Guardian piece - but the "official reason" is almost never the actual reason when dealing with the CCP.


5.) Some other bullshit

Have they realized that, allowed to spread unchecked, the Xi Jinping Virus is wiping out Uighurs in detention camps? Are they ensuring that that happens? Are they trying to get Europe on their side by having various nations "thank" them (for allowing the virus to get out of control?), but not the US which doesn't seem quite so willing to kiss the ring, causing a US/Europe/NATO rift that they can exploit? Forcible full takeover of Hong Kong coming soon?

Or what?

There's just so much bullshit to choose from.


6.) Really maybe just Limp Dick Energy

Or maybe I've had too much to drink and they're just sad, deflated old cumsacks who have wanted to do this for awhile because they hate people who try to report the actual truth because that means they can't fabricate it. They saw their chance to do something they've been desiring for awhile, and took it. It probably made them feel like Big Fancy Men.

Whatever.

I mean, that's probably it, but whatever.

I hope they all - all those CCP officials squashing their tiny little dusty sad nuts with their undercarriages on ugly old chairs in Zhongnanhai - get the Xi Jinping Virus.

Fuck them.