Oh, hey.

I know I wrote awhile back to mention that our wedding was featured on Brave Bride (which has been retired).

Well, just as awesomely, we've now been featured on Offbeat Bride!

Go us.

:)

On there you can read the profile and see our 50 (or so - I think it was 53 in total) favorite photos from the day.

A Son's A Son

After reading this lengthy piece in The Atlantic (and watching the more easily digestible TED talk talk that author Hanna Rosin gave on the same topic), I couldn't help but apply Rosin's thoughts to my experience in Taiwan. Let's begin with where it discusses the traditional preference across much of the world (for our purposes, Asia) for a son. Rosin says:

And the global economy is evolving in a way that is eroding the historical preference for male children, worldwide. Over several centuries, South Korea, for instance, constructed one of the most rigid patriarchal societies in the world. Many wives who failed to produce male heirs were abused and treated as domestic servants; some families prayed to spirits to kill off girl children.

Then, in the 1970s and ’80s, the government embraced an industrial revolution and encouraged women to enter the labor force. Women moved to the city and went to college. They advanced rapidly, from industrial jobs to clerical jobs to professional work. The traditional order began to crumble soon after. In 1990, the country’s laws were revised so that women could keep custody of their children after a divorce and inherit property. In 2005, the court ruled that women could register children under their own names. As recently as 1985, about half of all women in a national survey said they “must have a son.” That percentage fell slowly until 1991 and then plummeted to just over 15 percent by 2003. Male preference in South Korea “is over,” says Monica Das Gupta, a demographer and Asia expert at the World Bank. “It happened so fast. It’s hard to believe it, but it is.” The same shift is now beginning in other rapidly industrializing countries such as India and China.

I'm not sure I buy this. First of all, the survey doesn't seem to cover the nuances of male-baby preference in Asia. It asks women if they "must" have a son, and notes that rates of women who feel they must have male issue have plunged.

That's great - I do hope for a world in which parents in all countries welcome children of both genders equally and give them equal opportunities and treatment (though I realize that day is far off) - but the "must" is misleading.

Go back and ask those women if they want a son more than a daughter, or if they would prefer a son. Ask them which gender they'd choose if they could - a conditional statement that's becoming more of a real option to families. I bet you'd get a far higher number. I imagine from my own observation that the results would look something like:

45% (or thereabouts) would actively prefer a son including about 15% who feel they "must" have one

20% (or thereabouts) would actively prefer a daughter, including maybe 2% who feel they "must" have a daughter, if that

35% (or whatever's left) don't mind either way

Of course these numbers are so unscientific it's not funny; do you, however, disagree? (If so, I'd love to hear it in the comments). Does your own observation vary greatly?

So what you still get - according to my guesstimates - is a strong preference for sons, including the small percentage who feel they "must" have a boy plus all the parents who don't feel they "must" have a boy but would still prefer one. The dramatic drop in mothers who don't feel they "must" have sons would be caught mostly in the "prefer" category, or moved to the "don't care" category. Almost none would move from "needing" a son to preferring a daughter.

Who still wins? The sons, as always.

As for those who would actively prefer a daughter, well, one thing definitely is changing. Anyone who lives in Asia knows about the cultural custom where the oldest son, specifically, is charged with caring for his parents when they are elderly. I'm going to argue below that this is slowly changing, and that Western ideas about caregiving are becoming more prevalent.

You still see this in India, for instance: notice how the eldest son of many families rarely moves abroad and, fairly often, stays near the family home - or his parents, at retirement age, move to wherever he has settled and built a career. The son who moves abroad or travels widely is usually the younger brother.

In Taiwan, you'll note how many offspring, as they establish themselves, buy real estate for not only themselves but their parents. I once made the mistake of assuming my forty-ish, single male student, an R&D engineer, lived with his parents when he said that he, well, lives with his parents (you can see how I was confused). Not true at all: his parents live with him; he owns the property. Another student of mine, another elder son: he bought a new apartment for his young family, and moved his parents in with them. His mother didn't really like the apartment and wanted to move back into their old apartment...with her son and his family. So they did. Because Mom said so. He currently rents out his nicer, newer property.

However, most of you also know that in the West, we have a saying: "a son's a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter all her life". I don't actually agree with this at all. I personally feel that my relationship with my parents and my husband's relationship with his parents are roughly equal, and neither of us is 'more' or 'less' still a child of our parents than the other...but it is a widely-held notion. (I am curious as to what the actual statistics are of daughters vs. sons as caregivers to aging parents in the USA. My bet would be more daughters than sons take this role, but I'm not sure).

It is becoming so in Taiwan, as well. Again and again, I've had friends and students tell me that they, as daughters, expect to be the primary caregivers or from parents who now feel that their studious, family-oriented daughters will better provide for them in their old age.

Back to the made-up numbers I postulated. I have a few reasons for these estimates in Taiwan, keeping in mind that the survey reflects results from South Korea, not Taiwan. It's sadly clear that there is still a trend of aborting female fetuses in Taiwanese abortion clinics, for starters. If I am remembering correctly, there are still more men than women in the population in Taiwan, and until recently (as in, within the last generation) unwanted daughters were openly adopted out. I have several students who talk about "aunts" who are genetically aunts, but were given to other families as children to be raised. My neighbor, Old Fang, spent thirty minutes telling me in a combination of Chinese and Hakka (which I don't speak) that her parents "didn't want her" and "threw her away" to another family so they could "spend money on her brother". Old Fang is, as you have surely guessed, quite old - my guess is 90 - but she's evidence that this was commonplace even in living memory.

I know another woman who is currently on leave from work because she got married recently and now "really wants" a son: her traditional in-laws expect a grandchild soon, and they expect male issue. Another student, in a toast during a group dinner not long before my own wedding, said "A toast with my best wishes to Jenna...I hope she has a happy wedding party and makes many sons!"

So, Hanna, don't tell me that sons are no longer preferred in Asia. You're skewing the surveys in the way the question was worded.

Tai Tai

I've had this on my mind for awhile, but am only now really able to articulate it...and am not even sure I can articulate it well!

Basically, as you all know, I got married recently. And I did, against all my feminist impulses, change my name. Not because I thought I had to, or because I took it for granted that I would, or even to make life easier - because, if anything, it's made life more complicated what with all the document changes spread across not one but two countries!

No, I changed my name for aesthetic reasons. My maiden name is long and hard to pronounce in that special way that only Polish names are (it's not quite as mystifying as some you've surely seen, but it's up there on the impenetrability scale). Living in Asia with a name that is quite literally as long as four Chinese surnames all strung together was no easy thing. "And now, please welcome your seminar instructor, Ms. Jenna....err...Jenna....uh...K-K...Ka...Kw...umm...Jenna!" - and that from colleagues who know me pretty well! If you think living with a hard-to-pronounce name in the USA is tough, try doing it in a country where most surnames are monosyllabic. My husband's short, phonetically easy name is easily grasped by even those who speak no English whatsoever - which is a rarity in Taipei city. I changed it, in part, to make things easier on that front, so that I could be introduced or have someone look at my business card without scratching their forehead at a mass of letters. (To my name's credit, it has more vowels than the typical Slavic surname).

What's more, despite being very proud of my Polish heritage (hooray for kielbasa is all I can say), my husband's name plus my own first name are simply more aesthetically and aurally pleasing than the name configuration given to me at birth.

What's been tough is that, really, deep down, I don't believe in name-changing. I realize that a woman's maiden name most often comes from her father, but still, subordinating identity from father to husband? I'm not big on old-skool feminist speak (despite being a staunch feminist) but c'mon. Kind of reeks of patriarchy, does it not? (Don't even get me started on the "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" method of formal address. If anyone ever calls me "Mrs. Brendan C." beyond some well-meaning but out-of-date ancient relatives, they are gonna get an earful).

I'd like to clarify thanks to the comments my reasons for hating the "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" style of address: I don't care what the books say, I don't think it's proper usage anymore. It was originally devised as an etiquette rule, a social grace if you will. The point of etiquette is to be just that: socially graceful. To not offend anyone. To make others comfortable in social situations.

Well, "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" offends not only me but plenty of other women, and as such it no longer serves its purpose. It doesn't make people comfortable, and it has stopped being "inoffensive". There is, therefore, no reason for its continued existence. If it's bad etiquette to offend others, then "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" is bad etiquette by all reasonable definitions, unless its usage is specifically requested (in which case I don't care - someone can request to be called Mistress Bazoonga the Chimp and I'll do it if that's what she really wants).

I am not judging on any woman who chose to change her name; it's a highly personal decision and now that we live in an area of true choice, I do trust that any woman who chooses to change her name does so with full consciousness, as I did. The important verb here is, of course, chooses. Even if that woman is otherwise traditional or conservative, there is always a choice: I can name at least one good friend of mine, who got married a few months before I did, whose wife chose to keep her name. They are the most conservative Jews I know personally (though not the most conservative ones out there, by a long shot). My parents are Christians of the super-duper-liberal-love-and-acceptance variety which I respect (I have my own very complicated relationship with theology that I won't get into) and yet my mom admits that had the world been a more accepting place when she married, that she would have done so.

It also stinks that women still get a bum deal: we get a choice, but we get all sorts of baggage with that choice; we get invective and judgment that we never asked for and shouldn't really have to deal with. We get a choice between a father's name and a husband's (and, in some states, a made-up new name from letters gleaned from both). We still don't get the choice of a fully female-owned, self-owned name. I did inquire about changing my name to my mother's maiden name, but a.) it's not allowed for a marriage license name change in New York State, and b.) I'm not looking to offend my dad's family; I am fiercely proud of being part Polish. Taking a swipe at a patriarchal system isn't something I need to do at the expense of real people who are related to me by blood.

And yes, some get fiances who insist. Well, I didn't - and I wouldn't have because I wouldn't marry someone who would insist on something like that. So many women do, though (just read catherine_sr's comment for a particularly disgusting example). I don't hold anything against those couples; people make compromises all the time when they choose to pair off, and none of us has the right to judge what another person or couple has chosen to compromise on.

In short, it's been tough. I've been lagging on changing all my documents because, on some level, I don't really want to. I didn't know it was possible to be philosophically opposed to your own name....but here I am. Mrs. Jenna C., with a driver's license, passport, various investment documents, voter registration, business cards, Taiwan residency permit, NHI card etc. all under Ms. Jenna K. because I just haven't changed them.

(Which, I'd like to add, is my right. It is perfectly legal to change your name but continue to use your maiden name as long as you are transparent about it and not using it to hide illegal activity).

Yes, before you ask, I did bring up the possibility with my husband of coming up with an entirely new name for the both of us, but he didn't particularly want to change his own name which I respect given how much of a bother it is to change all of your documents and ID cards, and how hard it is to adjust to the new name - something I am learning firsthand.

Why am I writing about this now, months after making the decision? Two reasons.

The first is that I never realized the depth of my discomfort with the idea of name-changing.

The second is that I live in a country where women don't change their names.

In terms of maintaining identity as a married woman, it is honestly a bit jarring to realize that there's an Asian tradition that is more female-empowering than that of the West. I've never known a woman in Taiwan that has changed her name to her husband's, and while friends assure me that it has been done on occasion, that it's really quite rare and would be seen as "odd" by most people. Despite all of the hype about in-laws wanting the quick birth of a grandson, rather than granddaughter, despite the fact that children generally take their father's surname rather than their mothers, at least the wives themselves generally retain their own names. They don't get junk mail addressed to women who never existed and they don't get judged by random people for retaining their names.

The only time a woman in Taiwan is referred to by her husband's name is if the entire family is referred to under the name of the man ("The Chen Family") or if she's referred to as a Taitai (ie, Li Wen-ya, wife of Chen Baichuan, referred to as Chen Taitai). This is the term of address commonly translated into English as Madame - a la Madame Chiang Kai-Shek.

So, what with all the arguments back home for "It makes life easier if we all have one name", honestly, changing my name has been nothing but difficult so far (though given time, when I meet new people who only know my by my new name, it should get easier as my new name is so much easier to pronounce). People just don't...get it, and I don't mean that in an obtuse way. They don't get it because it's not in their cultural sphere, and until I explain things, it hadn't even occurred to them that women in the West do often change their names (or, if they already knew that, it didn't occur to them to remember it as it so often counts as an esoteric piece of knowledge, not applicable to daily life.) I get asked why, but thankfully without the judgment back home - on both ends, mind you - both the militant feminist sorts who think I sold out by even considering the change, and by the traditionalists who question why I am not enthusiastic about changing.

And it is true that back home there's judgment to spare: everyone has an opinion on what my (by "my" I mean me, as well as all women like me) choice should be, and why their opinion is the only correct one. It's one thing that's refreshingly absent here. I get curiosity; I don't get judgment.

That's so rarely done, though. I don't know any women under the age of 70 who are commonly called, or appreciate being called, (Husband's Name) Taitai.

As one student of mine put it, "I'm Chen S.F., or Ms. Chen. If someone called me Hong Taitai, I'd think 'who is that?' or wonder 'Really, am I so old?' But nobody ever calls me Hong Taitai, so it's OK."

So. Here I am, an American feminist residing in Asia, a woman who supports and fights for equal rights, equal treatment, equal opportunities and equal respect for men and women, going by my husband's name when the 12 million women around me who ostensibly come from a more sexist, anti-female culture happily keep their own names. They're all Ms. Chen, and I'm a Taitai.

No, I don't think that this is because Taiwan has a traditionally more liberal or female-friendly society than the USA does. Clearly that is not the case. I'm not sure why name-changing never caught on in Taiwan, but what I'm concerned with now is the fact that is decidedly not common - I'm curious as to why but that's for another post someday.

It's fairly common to change one's first name, or to have it changed for you by your parents: this can be done twice by law in Taiwan, and for any reason. One student of mine had her name changed from something rather "strong" for a woman to "Wen-ya", which implies grace and feminine demureness. "I was a tomboy and my parents wanted me to be more like a girl," she explained. "Did it work?" "No!" Considering how easy and common it is to change one's first name, I can't imagine there's a huge taboo on changing your surname (though I could be wrong). It's just...not done.

This raises a lot of questions, none of which I can answer clearly.

What does it say about me?

More importantly, what does it say about American culture? Could one not say that Taiwan has some interesting liberal aspects to its otherwise traditional culture that America lacks? Is the USA hopelessly mired in a conservative rut when it comes to women and families?

(OK, I can answer that question. I think the answer is "yes" but there is hope.)

How can I, as a super liberal feminist, keep going on about equality after changing my name because it sounded prettier?

Does keeping a name (or not) have anything whatsoever to do with a woman's status as an equal member of society?

Do I really need to feel as outdated as I do - like a taitai - in a society where the idea of using your husband's name is considered seriously out of date, something that your grandmother may have done but you'd never do?

Thoughts and a Feature!

So, since I've had more free time after the wedding (not because women are expected to plan weddings and men can sit back and do nothing, but because I am a natural manager and planner and Brendan worked hard, too!) I've been thinking about what I'd like to do with this blog - how I'd like to edge it along and give it a real niche in the blogosphere beyond "oh yeah, this blog is just because I feel like writing about...y'know...stuff".

Speaking of which, we got featured on another site, which anyone interested in this sort of thing should definitely check out for its own sake: Brave Wedding: Jenna and Brendan's Cross Continent Challenge

Anyway, I've been working through this not because I really care about a high readership - though that is nice - but because it just makes for better writing and better readability to work within a somewhat-defined structure, as long as I can sketch out said structure myself.

What I've come up with is this: I'd like to keep it as a travel blog, outlining things we do and things to do in Taipei and Taiwan in general, and definitely keep up the restaurant reviews, day trip and travel posts and info posts on where to find things in Taipei and Taiwan, be they a great view or a pair of shoes that fit.

However...

I'd also like to nudge it a bit more down the path of being a blog about women, life and feminism in Asia: a bit about the culture, thoughts, lives and expectations of Taiwanese women, yes...but more about something I can write on with authority - being a female expat in Asia. There aren't that many of us, but those of us who are here don't seem to have many resources and everything from clothes shopping to social opportunities to dating are limited in ways that it may be hard to articulate and work around, and harder still to find information on (just try asking about large size women's office shoes on Forumosa. I did. Ay yay yay).

What I mean by this is not just more posts on where to get good haircuts, clothes that look good and shoes (though that's great, too, and I will definitely keep that up), but on life for expat women in Asia more generally: covering topics more related to feminism and psyche, workarounds for tough situations, and frank thoughts on life in what is, to some degree, a sexist culture. (OK, compared to the rest of Asia, Taiwan does not have a sexist culture at all. Opportunities for women here are amazing and women earn respect that women in China, Korea, Japan etc. just don't enjoy. But there is still a traditional and somewhat sexist undertone to a lot of things in Taiwan and I feel that does need to be addressed from a female expat's point of view).

So...I guess what I am trying to say is to expect more of that in the future.

On that note, though not really related to the goals outlined above, I thought I'd share this:

Taipei Woman Marries Herself

More thoughts on that tomorrow. Tonight, I am off to maybe crack a bottle of wine with my sweet and wonderful husband and watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report broadcasting from The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear because I'm young and liberal and hip like that.

A Few Photos from Guatemala

Sorry I have been so horrid at updates...we got really busy in Guatemala (hey, what can I say, it was fun), then the trip home was hectic with lots of lost sleep and plane changes, and then we jumped back into work and I came down with an upper respiratory tract infection and inflame tendon in my right foot...so yeah. There's that. I am so backlogged on "stuff I need to do online", photo editing, getting what I want on my new iTouch (YAY!), correspondence, and yes, blog updates that I don't know where to begin.

And of course thank you notes, which are starting to go out. Gotta get that done.

A lot to write about but in the meantime, enjoy a few photos - the few I've managed to have time to edit, from Guatemala - Semuc Champey and Lanquin.

Sunset in Lanquin
We stayed at this place - called El Retiro - in Lanquin (rather, just outside it)

The church in Lanquin

The pools of Semuc Champey - touristy (very popular with Israelis for some reason) and hard to get to but 100% worth it. Pure paradise. I kid you not. You should go to Guatemala just for this.

Lanquin streets - locals walking around in the town center.

Photos from Copan Ruinas, Honduras

In the main market area

Skull stones at the Mayan ruins

A rabbit glyph (I think) on a statue of a ruler of Copan called "King 18 Rabbit".

Wall glyphs in a ruined Mayan temple

Altar decoration of a new ruler taking the ceremonial baton from a previous ruler

¡Bienvenidos a Nicaragua!

Colorful storefront in Granada


Storefront in the central market of Granada


View of the cathedral near the Parque Central from Iglesia de la Merced, Granada


Iglesia Xalteva, Granada


Building along one end of the Parque Central, Granada


Bus station shot from the bus, Rivas


Quiet streets of Granada from a church bell tower


View from church bell tower (Iglesia de la Merced)


View from church bell tower


Iglesia de Guadelupe, Granada


View from halfway up Volcan Maderas, Isla de Ometepe
Owl butterfly feeding on ripe soursop (or is it sweetsop?), Ometepe


Politics are a big deal in Nicaragua


Kids stare at me here, too!


Volcan Concepcion, Isla de Ometepe


This graffiti is for Daniel Ortega, the current president and FSLN party member (you rmay remember them from 80s news reports as the Sandinistas. Well, they won.)


Moyogalpa, Isla de Ometepe - the island's biggest town.


Volcano evacuation route on Ometepe, which is made of two volcanoes (Maderas and Concepcion).


Sunset on Lago de Nicaragua from Charco Verde, Ometepe



Isla de Ometepe from a distance on the ferry across Lago de Nicaragua from San Jorge...the two volcanoes are usually topped with clouds.

Wildlife of Costa Rica

Adorable spider monkeys!

A three-toed sloth!

Howler monkeys!


Look closely - a baby crocodile.


...and a toucan!

our wedding was blogged

...´cause we're awesome. :)

Enjoy!

¡Hola!

Nursery on a Panamanian coffee farm. More photos below!


On our honeymoon now - soon I´ll put up more photos from the wedding (I still have a few friends´photos to add and the pro ones will be here soonish) but for now...woo honeymoon. ¡Viva America Central!

We started out in Panama and spent two lovely days in Panama City and another two in Boquete. In Panama City we wandered the colonial area (Casco Viejo), recently gentrified and prettied up, not to mention made safe, after years of being a slum with especially pretty buildings and old churches. We took a day trip to the Canal and bought delightfully cheesy souvenirs. In Boquete we did a coffee tasting and coffee farm tour, did a very long, super-fun zipline tour and took a crash course in traveler´s Spanish.

I was surprised and touched by the friendliness of the Panamanians. Far from Latin America´s reputation for roughness and lack of safety, at no point did we ever feel unsafe in Panama City, on the bus or in Boquete. It´s a country that´s coming along well and offers a lot of amenities found in a developed nation. I only wish we´d spent more time there!

Learning about coffee was fascinating; I knew about the fruit cartel in Central America but had no idea that most countries had actual laws prohibiting the domestic sale of high-grade coffee...all the good stuff is exported. Panama is the one country without such a law, and yes, it is possible to get good coffee in the other countries; just more expensive and requiring more effort. Boquete grows a lot of boutique and specialized coffees, of which we tried and enjoyed many.

And zip lining? I am happy we did it in less touristy Panama, and as Panama gets fewer visitors and we´re here in the low season, only two others came with us to finish out the tour; two lovely Englishwomen. HOW FUN. I have something of a fear of heights (not too serious, but a tad) and I´m not the most physically fit person, but I had a blast. It was like fear-of-heights therapy. You don´t see much in terms of ecology or even view (you´re too busy looking, panicked, at the fast approaching platform and deciding when or even if to brake as you zip along) but it´s quite the ride.

Everyone says that Central American food is bad: I disagree. At least so far I do - in Panama we enjoyed tons of delicious food. Carne asada, pollo asado, bistek picado, bistek y tortilla, platanos fritos, a delicious beet salad that I can´t name, fresh fruits, cucumber tomato salad...it was all really quite good, actually.

We then crossed the border to Costa Rica - more on that in my next post!

For now, enjoy some photos:


Learning about hand drying coffee beans. In busier seasons they use machines to do it.


Brendan coming in on a zip line.


Panama Canal



Bad picture of a Chinese ship going through the Panama Canal´s Miraflores Locks

Panama - Japan cultural exchange! Just wait ´till I post my photo of "China Sauce"!


Panama Cathedral at dusk.


Refurbishing Casco Viejo


Residents of Casco Viejo