Guys, I seriously love Jocelyn Eikenburg's blog, Speaking ofChina. The comments can get a little troll-y, but that's the downside to having
a very popular blog (so maybe it's a plus that I don't have "a very
popular blog!"). And I usually agree with her frank, openminded inquiries
and stances on love in China, although I myself never did experience it.
But as a Western woman in Asia, as a Western woman, and as a
woman, I have a small problem with the first item on this list of "stereotypes about Western women in China": "Western women are sluts and like to sleep around".
Basically, she says:
It took me years to learn that some Chinese men automatically assume Western women love to sleep around or are simply easy sex for the taking.
I blame it in part on the ubiquitous Hollywood movies and TV you’ll find in China at the local DVD vendor or online, where Western women’s sex lives often turn into a revolving door of one-night stands and disposable boyfriends.
Of course, we’re not all sluts.
I kind of wanted to scream - "if a revolving door of one-night stands and disposable boyfriends is what you want, then what's wrong with that?"
Saying "not all Western women are sluts" implies that there is something wrong with women who do choose temporary companionship over relationships, and that it's okay to judge them. And why shouldn't they? Maybe they have sexual desires like almost everyone else, but don't want or aren't in the right place for a relationship? As long as they're open about that, then that's their and their partners' business. It doesn't make them "sluts".
So no, I don't blame it on "ubiquitous Hollywood movies and TV you'll find in China", I blame it on puritanical judgmental pricks who think it's okay to dictate what every woman's choices should be.
In fact, a man who takes a woman home, sleeps with her, and then the next day says "I'm just not in a place right now where I can commit to anything serious" would be seen as a cad if he'd led her on, but if he'd been honest with her, then there would be nothing wrong with that (she might be angry, but hey, he was honest with her. She knew what she was getting into).
That is not to say I have a problem with the blog, and I'm sure
Jocelyn didn't mean for it to be taken this way, but, to say "not all Western women are
sluts" sounds good on the surface: look, we're multidimensional, and not
all of us are Sex in the City-style swinging single women who view sexual
conquest as a game or hobby! Woo!
Just a little below that, however, lurks the idea that for this
to be true, sluts must exist. And if sluts exist, then it's okay to think of a
woman with a longer sexual history than you might deem acceptable as one. It
still puts forward only two choices for women: be a good girl, or be a dirty
skanky slut. You don't want to be a slut, do you? Nobody likes a slut! Sluts
are slutty and gross! Ew! Get your slut-juice off of me! So you'd better be a
good girl. That means no sex, or at least, pretending there is none (to admit
you are a sexual person is to admit you are a SLLLLLUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT). Good
girls don't have sex and they certainly don't enjoy it.
So, to say "not all Western women are sluts" implies
that SOME Western women ARE sluts, and it's okay to think of them as such,
which judges their behavior as wrong (again, I don't think Jocelyn herself
meant to do this, but that's how the phrasing comes across). And, it's not
wrong. It's just not.
And, following that, it implies that if you're an Asian guy who
likes a Western woman, that the woman you like is "not a slut", which
implies that in order to be acceptable, she must make a particular set of
"not slutty" choices. Those choices need to be similar to the
perceived choices of the local women (be they Taiwanese in Taiwan, Chinese in
China, Korean in Korea etc) in order to "pass" - those same local
women who don't always feel free to be open about their own histories and
desires because they face the same sexist notion of what a "good
girl" does, or the Western woman automatically becomes an
"other". Nothing new in the stream of intercultural or gender
discourse, except this time it's a group of people of color, mostly men,
telling Caucasian women what choices they must make to be
"acceptable". Which is not quite the same as the reverse problem -
telling people of color they have to 'act white' - because being white confers
privilege that being a person of color doesn't, but it sure shares some DNA
with it. (Also, being male confers privilege that being a woman doesn't - as
the universe giveth, the universe also taketh away). The whole thing, no matter
who you are, never leads anywhere good.
Whereas the real progressive answer here isn't to refuse to
stereotype all Western women (only some of them!) as slutty slut-whores, but to acknowledge
that some people make different choices, and some of those choices may be more
libertine than yours (or more conservative than yours - that's okay too, as
long as those same conservatives don't try to push their choices on everyone as
the only morally correct option!) but there's nothing wrong with that as long
as everyone's safe and legal (and even if they're not safe, that sucks, but it
doesn't make them a bad person). So to me, the person who says "you're not
like other Western women. You're not a slut! Now I see that Western women can
make the right choices!" is still upholding only one set of choices as acceptable,
and that's not good for women generally. That person doesn't get a pass from
me. Either you acknowledge that women can make a variety of choices and it's
not for anyone else to judge them, or you're a part of the problem.
Basically, forget "not all Western women are sluts".
How about NO women are sluts? How about even if a Western woman (or an Asian
woman for that matter! Or whatever woman!) makes choices you personally don't
care for, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with her?
It does mean a lot to me that this be clear - perhaps if
there is a stereotype that "all Western women are sluts", then I have
to constantly be proving somehow that I'm not. But the only slightly less
constricting "NOT ALL Western women are sluts" isn't really any
better, because I STILL have to prove I'm not, only there is now room for the
stereotype of a Western woman to include "makes the choices we approve of
even if that's not what she'd prefer". How is that better?
This doesn't even get a pass culturally. I am sure someone will
read this and comment angrily that "if a man wants a woman who doesn't
have a huge sexual past that's his right, if he wants a virgin then why can't
he look for one?" There would be something to that argument if it went
both ways, but those same men who claim they want a woman like this generally
do not hold other men or often themselves to the same standard. He probably
wouldn't judge his guy friends who slept around to be "sluts", nor is
he likely to judge himself by the same standard (he may, but my point is he
usually doesn't). Only the women they stick it in are sluts, not them. It's
okay for men, but not for women, even though for the majority of us, it takes a
man and a woman to do the hoingy-boingy dance. And that set of double standards is pretty fucked up.
Which is really too bad as if men who felt that way about the
kind of woman they would prefer to be with held themselves and other men to the
same standard, then like could find like. There's nothing wrong with having your set of "traditional" values (although that's a loaded word, too), and wanting a partner with a similar worldview. The key is, you have to have those same values for yourself. If that happened, chaste men could find chaste women
and libertine men could find libertine women. Okay.
Libertinism an attitude that doesn't always
lead to action, by the way - I am quite libertine in my attitudes but actually
very traditional, by 20 and 21st century standards, in my actual life. I don't
mean that as an excuse, like, "women who sleep around aren't sluts but I'm
definitely not even those women!" - but to point out that progressive
thinking can exist within any chosen lifestyle. That's the whole point - we can
all choose. Whether you choose monogamy, open relationships, booty calls or no
relationships at all, it's all okay.
Plus, there's no cultural pass here because this "NO SLUTTY
SLUTZ ALLOWED IN OUR CLUBHOUSE!" attitude is pervasive in the USA too. I'm
not just speaking to Asian men, here. I'm speaking to everyone.
It's not "not all women are sluts". It's not "not
all Western women are sluts". No women are sluts. No people are sluts.
Sluts don't exist.