About a year and a half ago, Catherine wrote a great blog post on finding plus size clothes in Taipei with a link to an article she wrote on various options.
I want to add to that today with a find and in my next post, a suggestion. The find:
Best Buy Taipei, Shilin District (Tianmu), Zhongshan N. Road Setion 6 #764 台北市士林區（天母）中山北路6段764號 (02)2876-8550
It’s on the east side of Zhongshan and a short walk south of International Square and the American School (as well as a short walk north of the Community Services Center and some other schools), right underneath where Whose Books used to be. Basically, they sell American clothes that either fell off the truck, were slightly imperfect or were overstocked from American shopping malls. This means that:
1.) 80% of it is horrible – stuff you’d never wear, but…
2.) …the 20% you would wear is well worth searching for because it’s made to American body shapes. There is a men’s section but women will find this the most useful as our body types have much greater disparities.
In the USA I never had to shop in plus size stores, but I’m used to it here, because I do realize the size and body type differential here. My issue with the other plus size stores in Taiwan is that, while great to have around, they’re meant for plus-size Taiwanese women…which is fantastic, except I’m not a plus-size Taiwanese woman.
The clothing at H&L, MiniMe and 5XL is made in larger sizes, sure, but it’s made for women who are shorter, less curvy, straighter-hipped and smaller-chested and narrower-shouldered than Western women, meaning that while it all “fits” me around the waist, it doesn’t “fit” me in other ways – busts are too small, shoulders too narrow, hemlines too short – plus size Taiwanese girls are still not necessarily 5’8”! So yes, there are places to shop at if you are a US14, but they won't help much if you've got height and curves to match.
That, and the clothing often follows Taiwanese fashions, which are sometimes fine but sometimes…just not my style. I’m not into the “let’s add lace and some glittered English words that say things like “HAPPY LOVE!” and SEQUINS, oh we need SEQUINS and this top needs at least twelve more ruffles and puff sleeves and ooh, let's take this romper, stick some tights on it, add a few extra lapels, rough it up a bit and add some raggy bits of fabric hanging goodness-knows-where and a zipper that can't be used” look.
Best Buy, after you sift through the stuff you’d never purchase, has more American looks – there are horrid ruffled tops but there are also unadorned necklines, hems that are realistic for taller women, and a dearth of glitter.
They also sell interesting costume earrings and some cool scarves.
It also veers away from the all-too-common “this shapeless shift tunic fits you! You can buy it! It fits you!” (yeah, because it’s a sack that allows for absolutely no waist definition - thanks but no thanks).
Other choices where I've had luck:
Danee/SkinJoy 100% Silk
Locations all over Taipei - there's one on Changchun/Songjiang and one at Roosevelt/Jingmei MRT Exit 3.
Don't go here looking for high fashion - go here for soft pure silk cardigans, camisoles and blouses (they do sell skirts, pajamas, pants and other items as well) for work if you work in an officey environment or want to buy something in your size that is high-quality and comfortable - great for under-pajamas clothing in the cold winter months with no central heat, and great for basic button-down cardigan-style shirts for work and blouses to go under suit jackets.
Wuchang Street Market Indian Import Store
Ximen/Taipei Main area off Wuchang Street near Bo'ai Road
From Zhongshan Hall (Ximen/Hengyang Road) facing Bo'ai Road, turn left and you'll come to Wuchang Street - down past Ximending this turns into a cinema street, and closer to here you can find Taipei Snow King. Cross Bo'ai and follow Wuchang until you see the entrance of a small covered market. A little ways in and on the left is a small Indian import store (you can tell by all the bellydancing stuff). The racks here are laden with good finds for women of all sizes. I bought one of my favorite skirts here and another friend bought a cool, embroidered-collar rust-colored wrap shirt.
加油！Graffiti extolling the virtues of both being awesome and reggae music. I didn't know there were Rastafarians (or Rastafarian wannabes) in Taipei.
If you ride the Taipei MRT with any frequency, you're certain to come across backlit billboards on station platforms or mezzanines that have a big "slash" sign through some ugly amateur graffiti and the phrase "Graffiti is bad for the city's image".
I suppose for the ugly kid-with-one-spray-can-and-no-talent-writing-his-name graffiti, I'd agree, but I have to admit, there is some guerrilla street art (as I like to call graffiti) that is done with an artist's precision and knack for size, form and color.
While I'd be fine with doing away with the scrawled signatures in black or white spray paint, it would be a shame to group these vibrant works with run of the mill tags, and an even bigger shame to whitewash them.
I find that well-done graffiti, which many American cities are starting to embrace and even fund (for real graffiti artists) as a form of beautification, doesn't hurt the city's image - it colorizes it. Kaohsiung has started to allow mural-style wall art at Pier 2, and I do think that the Taipei government quietly tolerates the artistic graffiti along the bike trails.
I'd like to see Taipei throw its graying cement and tile arms around the idea of graffiti - we might get some really cool stuff going on, like this building - which was once clearly quite ugly - on Wooster Street in New York:
...and I honestly think that could improve how much of Taipei looks. Sure, we might get some political graffiti as one can find all over Central America:
Bus stop graffiti in Nicaragua urging people to re-elect Sandinista president Daniel Ortega.
...but that might not be the end of the world. It might get the Taiwanese youth more politically engaged, if anything.
I support any kind of artistic talent, whether it's on metal pull-down doors...
...or it's along the walls that separate the riverside bike trails from the rest of the city.
I have noticed that while Central America goes for political messages and the USA is concerned partially with art and partially with tagging and gang politics (something I absolutely do not support - I'm about art, not hate), Taipei graffiti tends to be picture-oriented - sometimes with an almost existential feel like the above, or sometimes with a clearly anime/modern Japanese aesthetics bent, as below:
I'm a fan of the anime-influenced guerrilla street art, in particular - it lends Taipei graffiti its own ineffable quality (I don't think I've ever seen graffiti in Japan, so generally you'd see it here, not there) and brings out the more "yes, we are in Asia, we're not just imitating New York" aspects of the art.
And you know, if someone with one spray can and no talent wants to write something worth reading ("Ming-de wuz here" need not apply) that makes you smile, not cringe, well, I'm all for that, too.
Awwww.
Another thing I'd like to see? More graffiti in Chinese (or Taiwanese) - you see a lot of scrawlings in English, but rarely do you come across big, colorful Chinese characters saying something interesting. Heck, even if they don't say anything interesting, I do think that graffiti'd Chinese would be cool - think about it, a language associated with delicate calligraphy and Confucius bending over a book millenia ago, all associated with erudition and rarefied precision, now used as modern and often illegal street art in a different and fascinating sort of contemporary public calligraphy. The youth of Taiwan, taking over this whole "ancient inheritance of Chinese characters" and using them for their own artistic purposes. I've never thought of Chinese characters as something indie or individualistic, but they could be in this context.
That would blow my mind. That would kill. At the risk of sounding too "naughts", that would pwn. Or own. Or whatever the young'ins are saying these days.
Finally, I'm not sure this counts as "graffiti" per se, but it is a kind of art and it probably was not sanctioned - in my book, it counts, and it's super cool.
Bonus points if you can identify where in Taipei I took this picture:
So as far as I see it, long live Taipei Graffiti! Bring on the bug-eyed anime creatures.
I was working in Xinzhu Science Park last night and the subject of science park dating life came up (don't ask me how - it just did). I heard a statistic that hadn't come up before that very much affects not just the marriage rate, but the gender disparity in the tech industry. That's not just a problem in Taiwan, but I have to say it's quite striking here.
Remember how back in my last post about the low marriage rate - of which there have now been two - Catherine mentioned in the comments that a huge reason for this is that the Taiwanese simply work too hard? If you're in the office all day, slaving away for a wage far lower than you deserve (the average salary for those entry-level Office Ladies is about NT$30,000, and considering the hours they work, that's just sad), the odds grow against the likelihood of finding the time to meet, date, get to know and possibly marry someone.
That is absolutely true, especially for the Science Park, where people continually admit to working twelve hours a day not because there's a special project or something in particular that requires temporary extra effort, but as a matter of course because every project is urgent, understaffed and requires this effort. One can technically refuse and go home on time, but if that's you, expect to be the first person placed on mandatory unpaid leave and the last person to be promoted.
There's an added layer to all this, though: the ratio of men to women in the science park is 14 to 1. Fourteen men for every woman. Fourteen times as many men as women. Fourteen times. I shudder to think that a lot of the women who do work in the science park are generally secretaries or in marketing or HR, leaving the ratio of male to female engineers something astonishingly disparate.
(To their credit, Mediatek's ratio is about 8 to 1, which, while not great, is an improvement).
I've seen this play out in my classes - of my long term courses at tech companies, most of the classes are entirely male. At one company there was one woman working in R&D out of 11 students. I have another class with 4 students, including one woman, which is sadly unusual. I will say that at Acer, where I teach no permanent classes but do a lot of training seminars for recent recruits, there are generally quite a few women among the new hires...at least in my classes.
"So is there a 'science park dating scene'?" I asked.
"A little bit. People do date, even between companies because we all live in Xinzhu. It's not a big city...but how can we have a dating scene? Fourteen to one! Who would we date?"
"Besides," he added. "Many of my coworkers are 35 and have never had a girlfriend. They don't know how to speak to women. The ones who are married usually married a classmate. If you don't do that, it is really hard to date."
I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say that the disparity between men and women in the Taiwanese tech sector is entirely discrimination or milder but still pernicious assumptions about gender roles - although that is probably partly the case.
That said, interestingly, the wealthiest person in Taiwan is no longer Terry Gou, it's now Cher Wang, the chairwoman of HTC (also the most powerful woman in the Taiwanese tech sector).
Before I begin, I just want to point out that I was all over the airwaves last night. If you were watching TVBS (argh - I hope you weren't) or another channel, both interviewed me in Chinese about watching the firewalking ceremony at Bao'an Temple yesterday. So that rain-dampened white girl you saw on TV who really needs to work on her tones and punctuates strong opinions with "diu啊！" (not "對啊") - that was me.
As you know if you read one of my previous posts, I had my wisdom tooth removed last week. It was my first one and quite a shock. At some point I mentioned this to a friend, who said "stick some dampened bags of green tea in the fridge and then press them against the sensitive area - it helps". This surprised me, so I did some Google-fu and found out that it was, in fact, true - the tannins in tea reduce blood flow and help stem bleeding and so biting on a moist tea bag does actually have an effect.
Taiwan is famous around the world for its teas, especially its oolongs, and people (locals and expats alike) flock to teahouses regularly to drink it or make it at home: I don't know about you, but we have a full 功夫 tea set - albeit with purposely mismatching cups - at home and a little portable stove to prepare it on. So you'd I'd be able to just run to the kitchen and grab a teabag, no?
Well, no. We do have teabags - some herbal teas, South African Rooibos, some Taj Mahal Indian black tea for chai - but nothing that would make a suitable tannic acid filled bag of tea to press against sensitive, bloody gums. I did eventually use the black tea, but the taste of Taj Mahal is so strong and difficult to swallow when not brewed in a cup that I couldn't take it for long. A nice, light green or oolong would have been better.
That said, I don't know anyone who drinks oolong or green tea from teabags in Taiwan, unless they're at work and it's those Ten Ren teas that every office provides in the break room (I go to different offices for work, so I've seen a lot of breakrooms and drunk a lot of second-rate office coffee and Ten Ren tea).
Instead, we all drink looseleaf tea, because duh, it's better. It just is. I know technically tea in a teabag doesn't have to be inferior to loose leaf tea, but it seems like that's always the case: the fact that it's in a bag makes manufacturers feel as though they can add extra junk to it or simply use lower quality tea, and nobody will notice. I think Lipton's entire product line is based on that principle - "second rate tea for people who don't care". The Taiwanese I know, if they're not in the office and if they're going to drink tea at all, will either do it in 功夫/老人茶 (my namesake!) style, or will brew it in a big pot with a filter and drink it in a cup. The thing that never changes: it's always loose leaf tea. Always.
That right there is a cultural shift I'd never considered until the moment when my friend said, offhand, "just use a wet green tea bag" as though of course I would have green tea bags lying around the house, because I love tea and live in a country famed for its tea - and it neither occurred to her that I wouldn't drink good tea in a bag, nor to me that people actually do keep tea bags on hand, and that some in fact consider them indispensable to a proper cuppa. To me, a proper cuppa is brewed in a little pot and poured piecemeal into miniature cups, or brewed in a big filter and poured in a mug. It is definitely not dunked in a little paper receptacle straight into a cup.
"But loose leaf tea is so complicated!" folks back home say.
"No, you just...put some in the pot, then add water and quickly wash it out, then add more water and let it steep but not for too long, then pour it through this filter into a little pitcher and then pour it into these glasses, and you can use these tools to do it. See, easy!"
"Umm, that's not easy!" "Sure it is!"
"No it isn't - first, how do you use those tools? Then, you always have to steep, pour and drink quickly enough so that the tea isn't too strong and doesn't get cold, and all you get is barely a mouthful at a time..."
"...do you need more than a mouthful at a time?" "Maybe I do, yes, and then what do you do with the leaves?" "Put them in a bowl until you're done and ready to throw the whole lot out." "Why not just boil or even microwave some water and just add a tea bag?" "Because it's not the saaaaaame."
"Sure it is."
But no, it's really not. The quality just isn't there. Forgetting all the meditation /peace/beauty/solemnity/whatever of the Old Man's Tea ceremony (though I won't deny that it's beautiful), it just feels nicer. It's not as hurried, it's more sociable and it's still very much a way of life in Taiwan. When we spent a few nights in Donggang to catch the beginning of the King Boat Festival, the owners of the hotel invited us to drink tea with them at their big old tree stump table. When we stay in Lishan, the owner of the homestay we like has his own tree stump table and makes lao ren cha for his buddies, while guests make tea and cavort outside. When we stayed with Sasha's family in Dashe, her father made lao ren cha on the coffee table two nights in a row.
I feel like, when doing this, that what I'm getting for all my time and effort is quality - good tea from small manufacturers (I'm a big fan of Wang's, and 來自台灣ㄟ好茶, a company that makes Lishan and other high mountain teas has some nice selections, and you can buy Pinglin tea here if you don't feel like going to Pinglin) that pride themselves on freshness and location.
What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that drinking looseleaf tea is so much more than just drinking tea - it's a connection to an entirely different way of doing things. It's a connection to products of a proud local origin and not just a brand name on a flimsy box. Do you know the name of the town in which Red Rose or Lipton is grown? Could you find the farmer if you wanted to? Probably not, but in Taiwan you can locate the town in which the tea was grown and often it's possible to find the farm itself. It's easier than you'd think to buy tea right from the farmer who grew it (you can do this in Pinglin if you are judicious about your tea purchases). You're getting connections to all sorts of things - not just flavor, but there is that, too - by drinking looseleaf tea that you'll never get by chucking a paper packet in a microwaved cup.
Every year, the Bao'an Temple in Taipei holds a long "cultural festival" to mark the birthdays of its two most revered gods - Baosheng Dadi, god of medicine and Shennong Dadi (I've also seen it spelled 'Sengnung Dadi'), god of herbal or Chinese medicine (there is also a fairly well-known Shennong Dadi temple in Dashe, Kaohsiung County). There are Taiwanese opera performances, talks, awards ceremonies, god parades and finally - the most interesting if you ask me, as it is so rare in northern Taiwan - firewalking.
On a specified date of the lunar calendar, the idols are taken out of the temple and their carriers walk them over a bed of hot coals (made slightly less hot by a white substance, which I believe is salt or salt with rice) while a crowd watches and temple workers form a human shield around the whole thing to keep people from getting hurt.
I thought this was unnecessary until I ran into a woman sporting a pair of tongs, clearly hoping to snatch a piece of hot coal as a souvenir.
The firewalking was held today and not many people attended - it was fairly easy to get a first-line view. I blame the rain, which alternated between pouring and drizzling, for keeping the crowds away.
Ow ow ow ow ow.
I had to postpone at least one engagement to make this year's festival, conveniently held over the weekend. All week long I've mentioned to students that I'm going, as I hadn't been able to attend for years due to the dates falling on weekdays.
The most common response is - "why?"
Or "Baosheng Dadi's birthday? What does that have to do with you?" (for the more fluent ones)
It's not easy to answer, really - I'm not even inclined towards my 'native' religion, so why would I be inclined towards the folk religion of Taiwan?
No, I don't, to be honest. I don't believe that any of it is true.
So, why the festivals?
Simple.
Because they're awesome. The Taiwanese - generally - will be the first to tell you that in many ways, these festivals are just as cultural as they are religious. This seems to be a common thread among religions with native roots, that weren't started by a single person or prophet - a belief system so ingrained in daily life and custom that it's hard to even define it as a "religion" in the Western sense.
You would likely offend a few Christians, Muslims or Jews by attending religious services for those religions simply because they're "cool" (imagine, ironic hipsters flooding the church or synagogue!). They'd expect you to be genuinely interested in spiritual matters or at least curious - many might humor you, but on the whole there'd be less tolerance for someone who showed up just because the whole thing was very aesthetically pleasing.
Folk religions are simply not like that - whatever the reason, you're welcome to show up and even take pictures. Many Taiwanese will admit that they practice a lot of the old customs just as much for cultural or family reasons as religious ones - it's a part of a way of life, not necessarily an organized view of how the spiritual world works.
But, you know - bajiajiang, spirit mediums, lion and dragon dancers, tall gods, firecrackers, suo na (those screechy oboe things), drummers, martial artists - it's not only visually stunning, it's not only culturally fortifying, it's also fascinating.
I'm a big believer in people finding their own path - if it works for you and doesn't hurt others, then it's right for you and nobody should be able to tell you otherwise or insist that you follow their ideas of how you should live. Along these lines I respect the views of people of all religions (up to but not including the point where they try to tell me that their way is better for me), I respect atheists and agnostics, and I respect people who follow folk religions such as is done in Taiwan, even if it's just for cultural reasons.
I guess, in a way, that sort of makes me Daoist, though I don't identify as such. Lao Tzu's super hippie "find your own way" and all that.
There's another element to it, though - the wild dancing, the betel nut and energy drink consumed in liver-splitting quantities at the larger festivals, the joyful noise, the firecrackers set off in places that can't possibly be safe, the darker undertones of some of it (what with the gods of the underworld also in attendance at these festivals, the firewalking, the fireworks festivals where they pelt people, the self-injury of the spirit mediums)...it's so very, very un-Chinese.
I don't mean that in a political "Taiwan is not China" sense (although that is also true!) or in a "this is not really Chinese" sense. It is Chinese, but I mean Chinese in the sense that many Westerners and many Taiwanese and Chinese have come to view this culture (as different as it is in Taiwan and China).
How do they view it?
Mostly as something very Confucian.
You know - sit down, do what you're told, respect your leaders, don't talk back, subjugate the individual, let's all dance to terse, dry music in perfect harmony and let's all agree that that's what's best.
As a friend put it yesterday, that view is very KMT: sit down, do what you're told, your leaders know what's best, don't talk back, maintain the status quo, we are your betters. There's a reason why the KMT generally favors straight-laced Confucianism over crazy, earthy, follow-your-own-path folk Daoism.
It barely exists in China anymore (there's Buddhism and great reverence for Confucius, but you'll never get photos like these of folk festivals in China because there aren't any - or there are very, very few), and I feel as though there is a great divide in Taiwan over its continued existence here. Nobody of any clout actually comes out and says "this is for low-class people, this is for tai ke, we're more refined than that", but you know plenty - including most likely Ma Ying-jiu - think it.
I'm not just making this up - we chatted with someone who works at the Confucius Temple and she confirmed that it gets preference and often more funding than Bao'an Temple - or the funding is split because "you are right next to each other so you can work it out" and then before Bao'an can get its hands on it, it just...isn't there.
It's almost like a tiny re-enactment - a play within a play - of broader Taiwanese politics, lobbing preferential treatment, resentment and ideology across narrow little Hami Street in Dalongdong.
As a result, she said, whenever the Confucius Temple has one of their staid and buttoned-up functions, Bao'an Temple comes up with a reason to set off fireworks and beat drums: basically screw you guys and the Analects you rode in on!
Which I totally respect - I think it's very much a part of this system of folk beliefs to basically give someone the finger if you think they're undermining you.
The preference is quite clear. "Follow your own path"? Crazy dancing and folk beliefs? The government allows it but deep down, I think they're a little scared of it.
This is just as legitimately "Chinese culture", but it's the darker, more individualistic, more passionate, more uncontrollable version of it: sort of like the yin to Confucianism's yang. You can let go of "sit down, shut up, respect your elders" and be yourself.
All that blather about how "Chinese culture is homogenous" and "They revere the group over the individual" and "they respect authority" goes out the window.
And I love it. This is the "Chinese" (I'd say "Taiwanese" because you really don't see this in China - you might come across some lion or dragon dancers on Chinese New Year or when a new store is opening, but that's it) culture that appeals to me.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that this is a big reason why I'm still here. It's so exuberant. It's so celebratory. It's so individualistic. It's so loud and in your face. It's everything you don't think of when you think of Taiwanese kids (or Chinese kids) taking math tests and doing what their parents tell them to.
You could almost say it's the ultimate Chinese hippie revolt, or the ultimate indie vibe.
It's also loud. And ebullient. And maybe a little dangerous.
So today was Baosheng Dadi's birthday (Baosheng Dadi is the god of medicine). Anyone who's lived in Taiwan for any length of time knows that god birthdays are generally celebrated with a lot of firecrackers and a parade in which that god - and some other ones who are along to pay respects - goes around town in a palanquin to the accompaniment of great cacaphony. Generally he's followed by dragon dancers, lion dancers, tall gods and sundry other awesome stuff that makes for great photo fodder.
Baosheng Dadi's temple, Bao'an Gong, is a UNESCO world heritage site in Dalongdong, and his birthday parade is one of the biggest - if not the biggest - in northern Taiwan. It was today (but there's firewalking tomorrow afternoon, and Shennong Dadi's birthday is coming up as well so you can still get in on the fun if you want).
Here are a few photos from our day of watching the festival go by (more to come later):
The Messenger - this comical guy walks in front of Baosheng Dadi's palanquin, giving out Ritz crackers and letting people know he's coming.
This is some sort of costume group - 11 of them look fairly similar, then there's a grandma (above) and one that looks like a young girl. I think the ones who look alike are meant to be sisters.
A martial artist in a troupe prepares for a match.
One of the "sisters".
A bajiajiang (array of eight generals) mid-performance
Dragon dancing was big this year.
I like how he looks like he's comin' to get me.
I try to show up early for these parades if I know they're happening so I can get good close-ups of the tall gods and other folks.
Like these women, who are in some sort of Yunlin-based dance-and-cymbal troupe.
The martial arts troupe was really spectacular. They were so fast that I didn't get a lot of non-blurry pictures.
Note: contains some strong language (aka, Sorry, Moms)
OK, I’m writing this even though I don’t actually have any dating experience in Taiwan.
That’s not entirely true – I had a date in Taiwan before my then-soon-to-be-boyfriend-and-now-husband moved here. It was unequivocally the worst date of my life. Because I am a terrible and tawdry gossip (I know. I KNOW) I’ll tell you about it if you know me personally and ask.
I just feel that while the Intertubes are filled with floofy articles on expat women and dating – like this one and this one (and one blog post so offensive that despite it coming up fairly high in search results, I won’t link to it) - this one is pretty good though. Few have anything constructive to say.
Basically, they’re fine in that they do a good job of describing the situation, but, like Captain Hindsight, they don’t really confront the problem and give real, first person, been-there advice or ideas for single women living in Asia.
That may well be because they don’t want to say.
A lot of what I would say is universally applicable, at home or abroad, and yes, a lot of it is a bit hackneyed and even more of it is “prepare for a desert, a dearth of options”. In the end though, it all boils down to “be you – Super Awesome You – enjoy your adventures and let the rest take care of itself, luck willing”.
But I always know what to say – or at least what I want to say – so I’ll give you my own advice:
1.) For all that is good in the world, do not approach the dating scene with bitterness…
…even if you are single and looking to date, and you want to feel bitterness. It’s not that it’s wrong to feel that way. There’s definitely something to it. It’s just that letting it flow out of every pore or making it the topic of heated conversations, eye-rolls, complaints and smirks is the least conducive action you can take towards making things work for you.
I do NOT mean this as “be upbeat, ladies, because men like women who are happy! So if you’re sad, turn that frown upside down and pretend to be happy!”
Because a.) that’s a big pile of stinking dumb right there, and as Queen Cynic I am the last person to preach what I don’t practice and b.) it applies to men as much as women. Do you want to date a man who is bitter, angry and willing to start uncomfortable debates over it, and rolls his eyes at anyone who seems happier than he is? No, you don’t. And come on, not every male expat in Asia is like that. You’ve surely met That Guy and surely thought “not if the Apocalypse happened and it was between him and a mutant cockroach. I’ll take Roachie.” – but don’t judge all foreign men because of That Guy.
It’s not a gender thing, it’s a “nobody wants to date a whiner” thing. For both men and women.
Seriously – talk about your last solo driving trip across Chile, or the time you crapped on a pig because the toilet in the village was on stilts above a pigsty (the most awesome guys will love this). Talk about your language classes or how you went camping in the jungle, or how you were detained at a border but got out of it by smooth-talking the immigration officers. Don’t go on about how dating sucks for female expats in Asia (because everyone knows that it does – that’s nothing new and doesn’t make you sound interesting).
This is admittedly hard to conquer, because it’s so easy to feel bitter about a culture – expat and local – so clearly stacked against you. It really is unfair, and yes, it really is stacked against you. Yes, it sucks and yes, it would be great if there were a way to change it. But…
2.) …instead, jump into life abroad with an “I chose to be here, I know the downsides but I’m having a great time, there’s a lot to see and learn, and you can go stuff it if you assume I must be bitter” attitude.
Really. If you know the scene before you arrive and you come with an “I don’t care, I want to have this experience anyway” outlook, it will all turn out better for you. You may decide that you really like independent life and decide to stick around, or that being single is an acceptable likelihood of the exciting life around you.
And approaching it with calmness and confidence will simply make you more awesome.
3.) Don’t assume you definitely won’t date. You might.
As I said, I can name gaggles of women for whom the stereotype isn’t true. When worked in China with my friend Jenny – single, Western female – right around the time I left she snagged a musical Brit, the only other expat in town. They’re now married. I had a brief fling with Brendan in Beijing when we clearly like each other but before we got together (hey, it’s all good, we’re married now). When I lived in a shared apartment during my first months in Taiwan, the other roommates were all male and at least one of them partnered up, albeit briefly, with a South African woman. Out on a group outing, I met a couple who had met while they were both teaching in Korea. One does come across Western woman-Taiwanese man couples – plenty of Asian men are eminently dateworthy. Don’t dismiss them out of hand.
4.) Don’t dismiss all the male expats (or all local men), either. Or anyone, for that matter.
My now-husband was a single Western male expat in Korea, and he’s the sweetest, most non-judgmental, most openminded person I know. He’d be a catch for any woman, Asian or Western. There are good guys in the expat community. Don’t judge them all as a monolithic gaggle of dicks. They’re not. Contrary to popular belief, there are expat men who do in fact date expat women.
Similarly, not every local guy is going to conform to whatever stereotype there is of local guys out there. There are mold-breakers worldwide, and if you're confident and cool with yourself, you are more likely to find them.
Heck, don't judge Asian woman-Western man couples, either, unless they are clearly icky. I know they say that you never know, but honestly you can usually tell which couples are genuinely happy together and which are total ew-fests fairly quickly.
And while you're at it, don't judge Asian women. It's too easy to fall into the trap of "ugh, those Asian women all starve themselves, act coy, flirt, go all submissive! And the men love it! I hate that!" - but you know? No, they don't. At least not all of them, and maybe not even most of them. Don't assume. Don't hate on other women generally - you never know who is a stereotype-destroyer and the best way not to find out is to barter in stereotypes.
5.) Make friends. Join clubs.
Seriously. Most countries in Asia have various expat venues in which you can at least make friends. It’s not guaranteed but friends may lead to invitations and introductions that may lead you to a great guy (or gal, if you swing that way. I know almost nothing about the lesbian and bi communities abroad, so I’ll let a blogger savvier in those areas cover that). Even if they don’t, friends are great regardless. Who cares if you don’t have a date (dates can be excruciating anyway) on Saturday night if you have a bar date with your girlfriends or a pub crawl with a local group? If you’re religious, joining a church or other faith group is a good way to meet people, just as it is in the USA.
OK, sometimes this backfires – I heard a story not long ago about a Western woman who joined a photography club somewhere in Asia and while she wasn’t rebuffed, she was basically ignored during meetings and outings – the men there, who often brought their Asian girlfriends, didn’t want her there. This isn’t the sort of club you want to join, but I promise, most are legit.
So hey, is the place where you’re working having an outing or happy hour? Go! Is there a club, pickup team or whatever group meeting regularly? If it interests you, go! At least you’ll have social opportunities, you’ll probably make at least one or two friends, and it’ll put you in touch with the wider expat community.
I have to admit that I haven’t been proactive with this in recent years. I used to go out with my teacher recruiting company on their regular nights out, but I cultivated my own set of friends, got a boyfriend-now-husband and don’t feel the need to go out on late-night club crawls. If I want to go out, I invite some friends to Shake House or somewhere similar and drink good beer while talking.
Taiwan has plenty of these groups – as I said, my teacher recruiting company (years ago when I was a buxiban teacher and not in corporate training) has regular nights out, I know of at least one soccer pickup club, a Community Services Center book club and other groups you can join.
There are definitely opportunities to socialize, and if you make the effort, it’ll not only lead to meeting more potential dating partners, but even if that doesn’t happen (and it often doesn’t), if you have a full social life, you’ll be more inclined to be content with being single.
Finally, don’t be afraid to venture out to lively nightspots on your own (at least in Taiwan, Japan and Hong Kong where it’s fairly safe – I can’t speak for the rest of Asia). Stay away from known seedy hangouts of men looking to ogle Asian women simply by virtue of them being Asian and go somewhere more young and studenty. Chances are you’ll have at least a few decent conversations.
6.) This is going to sound clichéd, but be yourself.
No, really! I mean it! I know it sounds downright ridiculous and is probably something a stupid self-help book also said, but really. You’re here because you love the food, the language, the whatever-whatever, and you regularly show up to Chinese Club or Hiking Club or pub crawl activities. You knew what you were getting into before you came, and you’re fine with it because you wanted to explore the world – and your desire to travel trumps any desire to settle down and attach yourself to a man.
Let that show, and while dating is not something all that common for Western women here, you’ll be far more likely to get…err…lucky. In the totally not-dirty sense, but maybe the dirty sense as well.
Because, seriously, what’s more attractive: a woman who is all “Oh my god, all the men here date skinny Asian chicks, that’s so gross and disgusting, and I can’t believe it!” or a woman who is all “yeah, I’m here, I’m learning Chinese, I’m taking a kung fu class and if you think I’m bitter because I’m single than you can shove it up your butt, in fact I’ll help kung-fu kick it up there”?
(Same goes for men: what’s more attractive – a guy who whines “Western women are so demanding/fat/nagging/opinionated/difficult! Why would I ever date one again!” or a guy who is all “yeah, I love confident, awesome women regardless of where they come from”?)
7.) Know when to fold ‘em.
I know – you go out with a group and there’s always That Guy who goes off on why he always dates Asian girls – it doesn’t even matter what his reason is (you can fill in the blanks for all the usual ones). You want to shout at him that he’s a sexist, pseudo-racist jerk.
Here’s the thing – that never works. It just makes you look bad, and it doesn’t change anyone’s mind.
Think of it this way: you don’t want to date That Guy, do you? (No, you don’t). That guy’s kind of a douche. My previous incarnation was the sort of woman who would give That Guy the what-for, and it never accomplished anything.
What you do instead is let him talk – he sounds like an idiot, everyone else knows it (and if they don’t, they’re just as bad) and he’s hanging himself with his own words. I’d say “don’t roll your eyes” because I like to think that I wouldn’t do so, but I totally would, so I’ll toast you for that. Another option is getting up and walking away, because nobody should have to listen to that drivel.
You’re entitled to your opinion, but if you don’t want to date That Guy anyway, and you don’t want to be friends with him either (who wants friends like that?), what’s the use of coming out with it right then and there?
Yes, it’s unfair, and yes there are plenty of guys like that across the expat communities of Asia. Yes, I’d love to change it to. The only way you can even come close to making a dent in it is to be Ms. Super Awesome. Rise above it, don’t give it the dignity of a response it doesn’t deserve, and keep on being awesomely you. Just by being that awesome, you’ll show everyone else that That Guy is a douche, and that female expats are worth their attention, friendship and romantic overtures. This is something that reacting with the predictable bile will never accomplish.
That said, a witty retort, if you have one, is always appreciated. If That Guy is being douchey and your rejoinder is funny, a bit ascerbic but not downright bitter, that’ll earn respect. If it doesn’t, hang out with different people.
And yes, while everyone is entitled to date only people they like and are attracted to, “I only date Asian women because of X” does have a ring of sexism and racism. You’re not wrong. The best way to show that for what it is is to be spectacular – even if that means walking away without a word – and the worst way is to start an argument in a bar on a night out.
Seriously – the best way to throw stereotypes in others’ faces is to be Super Awesome and anyone who doesn’t like it can shove it. If That Guy starts spewing a bunch of idiocy about Asian women and Western women, simply by showing that you don’t stack up to that idiocy, you’re making him look bad.
(Rules are different for Internet forums. I’m not sure that’s worthy of a separate post, though).
8.) Don’t lower your standards and don’t try to compete with local women.
This is the one piece of advice I found while perusing online – “lower your standards” because you’re not going to get the same guys here that you could back home.
That’s a big ol’ deposit in the bullshit latrine right there. Don’t listen to it. There’s no point in saying “don’t have unrealistic expectations” because that’d be true wherever you are. Same deal for “be openminded and let yourself be surprised by guys you might not ordinarily consider”.
Otherwise, if you wouldn’t like the guy back home, you won’t like him here, and that won’t lead to anything good. You have not lost any rights to set standards for yourself just by living in Asia. Stick with them – the guy you want to date will meet them (there’s no guarantee you’ll meet that guy, but if you do, he will meet them).
Basically, if you are who you are and know what you want - just like back home -
Likewise, you probably have a different complexion, life outlook, set of mannerisms, body type and bone structure that is fundamentally different from women in most of Asia. Don’t think that you have to try to force those things into a mold of what you think men – both local and expat - want. If you meet a guy worth dating in Asia (or girl, if that’s how you roll), he’ll like you as you are. If he doesn’t, he’s not the right guy to date. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad guy, just not right for you. And for all that is holy – be healthy by all means but don’t try to force yourself to look or act like something you’re not.
9.) Figure out what your goals are for dating.
If you’re just looking to have fun or something to do on weekend nights, recalibrate that to include group outings, and at that point by all means date guys you aren’t serious about (within the realm of safety and sensibility of course) if the chance arises. Organize events and invite people to bring friends – you might meet someone or not, but regardless you’ll be getting your fun nights out.
If you are genuinely looking for a partner, then apply all of your regular criteria for finding someone you want to spend time with. Accept that it may not happen – heck, it may not even happen back home – and do your best to attract that person by simply being your amazing self and getting out there to socialize as much as you can, including making friends you’d never date.
10.) Make a diverse group of friends and be socially proactive.
One of the best things about life in Taiwan is that I have a group of friends made up of expat men and women and local…well, mostly women but there’d be men too if the men hadn’t gone abroad for work or school. Having this kind of group can ease loneliness and lead to social opportunities that might – no promises! – bring dating opportunities.
It’s not as hard as it seems to make these friends – especially other female friends. Other female expats are probably just as desiring of female friendship as you are – so seek them out by joining clubs or posting on online expat forums for your country. Local women looking to befriend foreigners, but not looking for a foreign boyfriend, will also be on these forums.
Sometimes it takes a little adjustment – I love my local female friends but there are cultural differences: “I know I said I’d come out but my aunt decided to visit so I can’t”, “it’s almost 11pm, I should get home or Grandma will worry!”, “Oh, no beer for me thanks” – and you might find your social events ending earlier than you’re used to (at least in Taiwan), but that’s more cultural adjustment than anything. Get a group of expats together for late night shenanigans.
I guarantee that by branching out into local as well as expat friends – something surprisingly few expats do despite talking about how they’d like to – you’ll feel more connected and more grounded overall, and if you don’t date as often, you also might not notice as much.
11.) So you don’t want to date That Guy. Who do you want to go out with?
You want to go out with a guy who, while he may be happy to date local women, is just as happy to date foreign women – he likes women that he likes. He doesn’t like women based on arbitrary criteria of racial background, but rather, he likes them for who they are, end of (which includes physical attractiveness). You do not want a guy who will ignore you just because you’re female and not local.
You want to go out with a guy who hears your stories of life abroad and thinks they're fantastic. You want to go out with a guy who likes it when you get a bit cynical or debate-y, and who, while he may not like it, at least accepts that everyone - even women - gets crabby now and again.
Those guys do exist in the expat (and local) community. I married one. They are out there and while I can’t promise you’ll meet one, if you just come here with the intent of having a good time, having a few adventures and stories to tell, and being Your Awesome Self while engaging socially in a variety of activities, he is far more likely to appear.
And the other guys who are turned off by this? Well, you’re awesome, they’re missing out and that’s just too damn bad for them.
I know. Cliched and hackneyed - but how often do you get advice that can be summarized basically as "be awesome, have adventures"?
Not nearly often enough, I'd say!
12.) If you’re female and planning a stint abroad, don’t assume you’ll have as many opportunities to date. To be honest, you likely won’t.
I know that sounds depressing – I don’t mean it to be, but there’s a tragic knell of truth to it. If you’re planning to spend a year or more in Asia, and you’re female, there is a pretty good chance you won’t be doing much dating.
I’m not saying you definitely won’t date – I can tick off so many fingerfuls of expat women who defy the statistics and tell likelihood where to shove it.
That said, you know how “forewarned is forearmed” and all that? Like how if you know you’ll probably poop out half your body weight in India before you go, that it’s not nearly as traumatic when you do, in fact, poop out half your body weight, and it’s a nice bonus if it never happens – but if nobody tells you before you go, when you start with the unstoppable bathroom antics you feel all stressed out and infuriated?
It’s true. If you prepare yourself for the reality of life as a single expat female in Asia, and acknowledge the datescape for what it is, if you do date (and you may) then that’s great, but if you don’t date as much (or sadly, as happens sometimes, at all), at least you came prepared to face this reality, and so it’s not as hard to deal with once here. Having a prepared-and-forewarned attitude about it makes it both far more bearable and makes you far more engaging and likeable, because you’ll be fine with where you are and confident that you’re doing what’s right for you.
I personally came to Taiwan on the heels of a breakup – a fairly clean break, not a long relationship, already clearly better for all involved that we not be together, and we made a valiant effort to remain friends (in theory, we still are, but we haven’t talked in years). Despite this cauterized ending-and-beginning, I still wasn’t entirely “over it” and wasn’t immediately into dating or looking to date – I was happy to spend some time as single me enjoying life abroad. It was pure luck that Brendan showed up when he did – I don’t believe the whole “it will happen for you when you are happy with yourself” because plenty of women who are happy for themselves don’t see romance immediately bloom – just as I felt fine giving up my single lifestyle and yet was happy with where I was. It was a good time to come – not really into dating, ready to spend some time on my own having adventures. If you can find that “you” place where you can make peace with a stint as a single loose cannon, well, that’s just about the right time to come live abroad for awhile.
This also means not centering your life around men and dating, but that would be my advice regardless of where you live. Live for yourself, not some hypothetical (or real) boyfriend.
